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Mar. 10th, 2016

Broken Angel

My healing hurts
My loved has burned
I cannot understand
All I desire
God has conspired
To take out of my hands

I only wish to show them love
I only wish to heal
But you have forced a different hand
With cards I did not deal

I cannot take it
Cannot breathe
If only you relent
Why make my heart a certain way
Then force it to be bent?

Bent out of shape
A broken angel
Couldn't play her part

She only wanted to be loved
But lacked a perfect heart

A shock her heart could turn to cold
the things she held most dear
She'd warm them now with anything
she'd even disappear

I'm sorry God
somehow I failed
I only wished to love
If ever you could feel my pain
restore what I've undone

Sep. 8th, 2014

free thought

blah blah blah.

Such is life. Up and down and all around...like a poem, but not really. Shit I just didn't know what to say! Does anyone ever? Is there "a thing to say"? I don't think so. But who the heck knows if what I think has any weight at all? What does have weight? Heavy things, yes. But I'm talking about the real deal heavy. DEEP heavy. HIGH heavy. WIDE heavy. It's probably nothing and everything at the same time, I've concluded. That makes the most sense because it's all encompassing. And why on earth (or anywhere else in all the multiverses for that matter) would anything BE unless it IS? And since everything IS, than there is nothing apart from IS. Even nothing IS. And since everything IS, everything is the answer as well as the question. It's a never ending circle of yes yes yes and be be be. Wheeling and whirling throughout all of all (including time and space), is all and all. What else would there be besides ALL? Haha! And so I've concluded that since ALL is, and ALL is all there is, we've nothing to fear. Nothing is ever lost. All is endless. Each moment sealed forever, each ripple ever-effecting and ever-creating. The Ultimate ending, you ask? ALL. All being all and doing what it does...continuing! Whatever little worlds and situations and creating it does as it continues on is the wonder that is BEING and LIFE and MOTION and LIGHT and, yes, LOVE. I don't get how All=Love. It doesn't SEEM so, does it? I honestly have no proof, really. But there is something to the word UNCONDITIONAL, which is what ALL is (for who can limit or put conditions upon the infinite and in-finite?), which, when paired with LOVE, makes it all make sense.

Unconditional love.

That's what all this mess is about. Where would unconditional love find its beauty if not in the overlooking of wrongs? Where would justice find its voice if not in mercy? If you knew beyond all shadows of all doubts that you were forever loved---to the deepest depth, with the fiercest passion and the safest embrace, no matter what--- could you not go on forever? There is that wheel that turns on forever because it is not stopped. It cannot be. Unconditional love, which is the realness of love, is free and forever unhindered and unstoppable. If anything were to try to stop it, there could not even be a fight. Love succeeds in the midst of creation, destruction, victory, and loss. It rushes on through the aeons, rampages across the ages, and rules over every rule that ever is, was, or will be.

Up and down and all around....such is love.
And it is mine. And it is yours. It IS being IS.

It is ALL, is FOR all, and is IN all.

Moving as the void and as the whole, triumphing over all conditions, and swallowing up all things...


Feb. 21st, 2014

lost in california


I'm in California after traveling 4 months in my car across the country (I'm from VA). Only problem is, I'm at my final destination and I have no money or means to stay here.
My chronic illness is acting up again and things in general just seem to be not "clicking" for me.
O God I don't want to go back home to freezing cold Virginia. God?
It's like, I'm praising Him and he's awesome, right? RIGHT! Cuz circumstances don't matter, silly. Not in the way that they can redefine God's goodness. He's always good!! ;D
But shit do I not feeeel it because right now I'm in either a waiting period (for some miracle), a failing period (I gave it a shot but it wasn't enough), or some other period I do not have a name for. It's all a learning period, for sure!

So yeah who knows what this week will look like? Shit, I sure don't.

Why all this way
Why all this time
Why all this hope
If I can't fly?

Peace out sugar sprouts! <3

Dec. 29th, 2013


stretching out like I'm flesh over canvas
to be tested and dried
into a hide to ride through the system
listed missing from self
in action to the quelching grasp
of capitalistic slavery
long gone from bravery
and the free
Land to be ruined
by genetics and tombs
of tortured creatures
for slaves fast food features
and no one
no one sees the heart has gone
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Dec. 9th, 2013

said is was

I mean, what the fuck? Is my self-hatred really related to a past life experience? Did I somehow have to do with the destruction of many peoples lives but with good intentions and then enormous guilt seeing what I’d done? Shit we’ll see I guess.
It’s weird. Replying to people on facebook and such who are asking me how travel is going I seem to honestly respond that it’s going great- like in that reply I can answer from the big perspective. Here in my mind and day to day though I am still facing self-hatred head on and wondering if live is worth living…”life are you good?” to take a line from Sawyer’s song.
I mean, part of me is like “Fuck yes life is good and God always provides and Hurrah!” while another part is like “Shit I’m failing at believing and shit imma have to work and hate it and Justin Bieber will never know how cool I am.” Right? I mean, talk about a bit split! It’s reminding me of the dualism a lady at the center for cosmic light spoke about. Something about how right now that’s happening to a lot of ppl shifting into something better spiritually and that we should just embrace it and not freak out because it’s actually a necessary part of the process. We shall see indeed. Sucks to feel it, gotta say. Peace

Sep. 24th, 2013


So I know I don't post regularly, and I suppose that's okay.
I just really feel like writing right now.
So I saw this guy Noah Schloss (he's on youtube) playing at a town market day and I fell in love with his music- sound and lyrics. I found him on facebook and turns out he knows my brother (also a band guy--check out GLASS OAKS here!) So then we started talking on facebook and man, this guy is filled with awesome encouragements and insights that made me feel so uber encouraged! WHAT A FREAKEN BLESSING! [He also shared a bunch of cool random music with me...like Paper Ships, Steam Powered Giraffe, Frightened Rabbit, and Grizmatik. Gah fun stuff!
Anyways, beyond how much I love him for being a person I can talk to and actually understand and who understands me, he told me how he writes his songs like a story and so I gave it a go myself. This is obviously rather longish for song, but what the hey!

There’s hope
When I was young and full of life, and filled with things to take up my time, I didn’t realize
That all I had could fall apart. In one short year from finish back to the starting line. And now it seems that time is going on forever. There have been many days I didn’t want to finish and mornings I wished would cease and desist, to never exist again.
There was so much pain, from my body to my head, and my spirit man felt dead inside. There was nowhere I could hide, just had to live it in plain sight in front of all my friends who didn’t know what I was feeling like.
But somewhere in the forest of my darkness and my doubt, I managed to remember that there’s always a way out. Things don’t last forever, even when it seems like time forgets to move, it’s only you forgetting that you cannot lose when God is on your side.
See, I’ve been waiting for a sunrise all this time since life took pause, and I can’t bring myself to realize there’s been sunshine all along. How could good come from this heartache? Yes lessons learned but look at all I’ve lost.
Yet now, a spring begins to bubble, I’m feeling that my troubles are on their way out the door. But quick comes doubt more swiftly than before to touch my dreams with fingers fearful, pulling at the seams of this heart I’ve only just put back together. Lord, help me weather this storm and believe in the sky and when I reach the shore to drink in the sunrise.
No waste in time, it’s all for good, for journeys plan that I shouldn’t know before I get there. It’s wild, free, and unclear. And right now’s feeling so near, and there’s hope.

finit. [:

Aug. 23rd, 2013

do read!

I'm so so thankful for today. Last night as I was crying out to God about not wanting to take adderall and all that, He clearly reassured me that things weren't going to turn out as bad as I thought. Actually, I asked angels that I suspect are around me to comfort me and they really helped me out.
Soon after waking up I decided to go back to the tree in my back yard to talk to it yet again. See, we've been talking for years now but yesterday I stepped out and really asked the spirit or whatever of the tree to help me. It calmed me down for sure. So yeah this morning I went back out to it and resting my forehead on the trunk asked for its wisdom/help with this adderall thing and my stress in general. The message I got back was to simply tell my mom how I felt about it all. To talk. Boy was that the best advise.

My mom and I talked and I will hopefully write more in detail about it somewhere but basically she now understands the anxiety that comes along with me being sick and trying to also contribute to the family. Lots of tears were shed on my part and it was really cleansing and freeing.

Somehow though I was let off the hook for doing anything, I helped happily clean the house for my grandparents and did a whole grocery trip. I feel really good right now and I even look good! Haha.

Thank you so much, God, Universe, angels, tree, mom. Relief came my way today and I hope it stays for a long, long time.

Aug. 21st, 2013

dont read

haha. first title that came to mind and after thinking it was a total pity party line, decided to stick with it anyway.

starting to think about making journals private again bc who fucking wants to read someone's struggles with chronic illness and depression?! i guess it's just me that definitely doesn't want to even have to write about it. but i've found that writing really helps me process.

shit. feeling like a puddle of pain wrung tight because my whole body flares up with fibromyalgia pain with my menstrual cycle. worse yet, my parents have basically told me (that's right, no asking) that I'm going to be taking adderall tomorrow to help clean the house bc my grandparents are coming over. wow i feel like i'm in a prison camp (sorry for the way out of proportion comparison) and that i'm not allowed to be chronically ill and sit around watching tv because there are things like prescription speed that can make me a productive contributor to a clean house to impress that grandparents. hate it.

things like this make me more and more set on leaving. as fantastic as my parents are, ive reached a point where i feel way too misunderstood by them and way ready to be anywhere else but under their roof and control. i'm moving to california come october 21st and i honestly have no money and no solid plan. i'm set on living (and hopefully not dying...again, over dramatic) as a bum if i have to, though that would be less than ideal. money troubles at home and childlike behavior imo from the parents is causing waaay to much stress in my tiny fragile and sometimes pathetically weak soul.

God, please send a windfall of money. i know it's basically what everyone on the planet wants but i fucking want it because i can't get this body or mind to do shit and if i had the cushion and open doors that money would provide i would be able to move on and make choices for myself not dependent on my parents. It's a lame prayer, but answer it? And don't if it's not the best thing for me obviously. Gotta have the best even if it includes however much shit and suffering.

Yeah it's also been rough not being a Christian anymore. I just want everyone to know but i was such an example to so many people that I don't want to seem like I'm influencing them against their faith. i dunno. whatever for now i guess. so much still to sort out.

like i said, pretty sure writing it all out helps. thanks writing and language.
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Aug. 2nd, 2013

cross country roadtrip!

I'm so excited!! Today (or tomorrow) I will be attending a wedding here on the east coast (for one of my brother's friends) and then heading out with a group of 5 people to attend a wedding on the west coast (San Diego, CA) less than a week later! We'll be zooming across the country and picking up two more folks along the way, and I just can't wait :))
I'm particularly encouraged because even though I really don't know anyone who is going very well (cept my brother), I just got a fortune cookie last night that said "Now is the right time to make new friends." Cool or what? So off I go! Praying that we all tolerate each other and even better, enjoy each other! It's gonna be a cramped ride but it's all good because my wanderlust and travel bug is finally getting it's time to shine xD

Hope you all have a beautiful and blessed two weeks. Even though I'm terrible at getting around and reading your journals, each of ya keep writing and being your beautiful self <3


Jul. 29th, 2013

not very sticky

soooo realizing that I keep joining all kinds of social networks (interpals, twitter, facebook, linked-in, eharmony, meetme, meetup, imvu, indiegogo, google+, livejournal, etc...i mean, I even joined myspace again!) and I don't really stick to them. Maybe I'm just waiting for something that fits? I don't even know. :/

wanting to write about my feelings but can't seem to find them at the moment. I've had the fear on multiple occasions that my family will come across any one of these public entries and not take them so well. I still remember coming across my older sister's blog years ago and reading about how she thought my job at $ tree was so lame. Wish I hadn't read it b/c you know sometimes you write stuff you feel but would never say to someone and maybe only just think in the moment you write it. psh so yeah...here's to hoping i'm forever undiscovered by them.

then there's the thought that the reason I'm joinging all these networks is to be truly discovered. I think i'm pretty helluva good at a bunch of things and no one notices or cares.
i think:
-I can sing (I was belting in my grandpas house today while watching his dog & started to really consider auditioning for one of those talent shows on tv)
- I can write (poems, songs, aaand other stuff. Let's just say I got great grades in english)
- I want to be famous!!! (okay, not a talent, but please?)
- I can dance (just need to lose some lbs and take lessons and be healthier)
It's like I want to be famous and have people notice me so bad right now at this point in my life. what reason? you tell me! I have no idea.

I've been thinking that as I prepare to go be a world traveler with little to no money (unless it drops into my lap oh please dear Universe), I am trying to make sure that I'm not missing out on anything before I go that route. I mean, what if I tried out somewhere and got famous and got to travel that way? My overthinking is weirdin me out. grrs.

I want to name my first son Ocean and my first daughter Radiance. I hope my husband agrees but if he's not into it, I'll just have to get over myself. Love those names though. <3

blaaaah. I don't want to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind leaving planet earth for a few weeks and coming back healthy and not full of shit.

amen! peace out sugar sprouts ;]

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